The Mom Quality
by Oldach's Dream
Summary: A quiet contemplation on Dean’s need to keep hunting


Title: The Mom Quality

Author: Oldach's Dream

Summary: A quiet contemplation on Dean's need to keep hunting

Disclaimer: I actually don't think the show would be half as much fun to watch if I already knew what was going to happen. Owning Jensen and Jared would be means for constant and unparalleled happiness though. Sigh, too bad they're not mine.

Rating: T

Author's Note: Just a one shot that came to me and I banged out in about an hour. Exactly as the summary says. Quiet contemplation. No dialogue, not really anyway. Has one or two brief references to episodes, but does not include anything about Shadow. Simply because I have not seen that episode yet. Let's all take a silent moment to curse my VCR.

And to all of those who think I'm ignoring my other two fics...I'm not...really. The next chapter of Blackbird should be out by next weekend. On the turning away...I'm not sure, but I haven't been ignoring that one half as much as I've been ignoring Blackbird.

Think of this little drabble as compensation for my procrastination.

* * *

I tell Sammy to chase after the warmth and comfort of the female body. 

He backs away.

I try to comfort my brother myself. I attempt to talk to him, to tell him that everything will be okay again.

He scoffs and tells me I know nothing of his pain.

His words hurt, but I do not dispute him. I don't tell him how much dad hurt when mom died. I can't bear to tell him that our father's pain was just as great as his. If not greater.

Sometimes I feel blessed.

My mother went up in flames, but I was a mere five years old. I don't remember her as I should, and I think that makes it easier to be without her.

After all, I always had Sammy.

Sammy reminds me of our mom.

I never told him that. I probably never will.

I considered mentioning it in the hospital, when we both thought I was going to die. My diagnosis had been hopeless, I figured I had a few weeks of downtime. I guessed Sammy would rope us into having a sentimental conversation or two eventually.

Then he uttered those words. That promise.

_Watch me._

And I did. Sammy saved my life.

The consequences were too great, in my opinion, but he saved me, just as he promised he would.

I never got a chance to tell him... I probably never will.

He reminds me of our mom.

And when I think about that, I can understand why my father was so broken after our mom died.

There's something in Sammy. Something that mom had too. A quality... Something in them, that makes other people want to be around them.

Something innocent and pure. Safe almost.

Sometimes, whileI'm talking to Sam, and I honestly forget that there are monsters in this world that could kill me tomorrow. I forget about our destiny, our fight, our life. I talk to my little brother, and everything's okay.

I'm okay.

But he's not.

Sammy's as broken as dad was after mom died.

I never really knew Jessica, never got that chance. But if I had to guess, and sometimes I stay up at night doing nothing but, I'd say that she possessed that same quality. The one that attracted people to my mother. The one that Sam has, the one he's not even aware of.

Of course, that's only a guess. What do I really know?

I'm just the older brother who ripped Sammy away form his girlfriend's last moments on this earth.

Maybe that's why I push Sammy into the arms of other girls.

Maybe I think, that if he can find happiness in the arms of someone else, then that'll be penance enough for me. That'll make up for me taking him away from Jessica.

I know her death wasn't my fault. I'm not naive enough to believe that it was.

Sammy does. He thinks it's all his fault. But his guilt has so many more layers.

Mine just stems from bad timing. Or maybe destiny.

Maybe Jessica was supposed to die when she did. Maybe mom was too.

I don't know if that thought makes her death easier or harder to deal with.

Just like I'll never know if it was harder for me or for Sammy, growing up without a mom.

Sammy doesn't know what it's like to have memories of her. To miss someone real.

I don't know what it's like to not have memories. To miss someone I never knew, but whom my entire life was shaped because of.

I think sometimes that that's why Sam hates hunting so much.

When he was a kid, it was all about vengeance for mom. A person he had never known. That had to make him angry, and Sam was an angry little kid.

Spending your entire life hunting for something that had broken apart the family you couldn't even remember. I guess that's means enough for anger.

I can see why so much of that anger was directed at dad. I can understand why he resents him.

But I did know mom. I remember her. And even though her death may not have hurt me as much as it hurt dad, or as much as Jessica's hurt Sam, it still hurt.

A lot.

And it was enough for me to dedicate my life to hunting the thing that killed her.

Well, that and the fact that dad started hunting when I was, what? Five, six years old? What choice did I have in the matter? I wanted my mom back.

I wanted a real family.

But more than anything, I wanted to protect Sammy.

I still do.

I still try to. That's what I'm doing when I tell him to go have sex with that cute girl staring at him from across the bar. I'm not asking him to forget Jessica.

I'm trying to protect him form a life filled with loneliness, The life our dad drowned in. The one that sucked up his love for everything not harsh and painful.

I spent my childhood trying to make sure Sammy's purity, his innocence, wasn't tainted by our father's bitterness.

I love my dad. I owe him a lot. Hell, I owe him everything. But John Winchester had in his power, whether he knew it or not, the ability to crush all of Sam's hopes and dreams.

Dad may not have realized it, but I knew, that if that happened, Sammy would give up entirety. In a scary sort of way. So I worked my ass off, protecting that. Making sure he had a childhood. A real one.

Like the one I got for four years.

While I worked so hard for Sam, I found it too. The joy in life.

It sounds corny and girly, but when it comes down to it, the day will come when vengeance isn't enough of an incentive anymore,

And when that day comes, my father's world will fall apart.

But mine won't. I'll keep fighting. Not for mom. Not for Jessica. Not even for Sam, not really.

I'll keep fighting to preserve that purity. That thing that mom had, that Sammy has. That love for life. That innocence.

If just one person I save has that spark, that essence of life in them, and I save it, I preserve it...well, that's enough for me.

That's what the hunting is about for me.

The time for vengeance passed long ago.

It's Sam's driving factor now. He might even use it to fight away the loneliness, the despair; I don't know. I hope he's not. I pray he's not, but I fear he is.

I wish I could explain it to him. I wish I could make him understand.

He has it. He has what I'm fighting for.

That innocence, the spark, the love for life.

I've never been a very poetic person. I have a hard time saying what I really mean.

That's why I tell Sam to go sleep with the cute blonde that flirts with him. Women posses the ability to comfort people in ways men can never understand. We just seek it out. Need it to survive.

And when Sammy runs into the arms of the curvy, single waitress at the diner we just stopped at...that's when I'll stop trying to protect him from the loneliness.

When Sam proves to me that's he's okay, that Jessica dying didn't undo the eighteen years I spent preserving that mom quality he has in him, that's when I'll be able to pretend the huntis about vengeance again.

For now, for the last seven moths, it's been about that mom quality. More so than it ever has been before. Protecting it in other people. Making sure it survives. That's why I've been hunting. I can't even fake the need for vengeance.

Sammy tells me he's fine, but he still won't accept comfort. The nightmares still come. The guilt's still there.

Worst of all, that innocence, that spark, that love for life...it's not so defined anymore. It's hiding under the grief and the fear. The fear that he'll never get his vengeance.

And I wish I could explain it to him. I wish I could put the mom quality into words. But most days, I can't even manage to do that for myself. I know what it is, I know what I'm fighting for.

It's life. The preservation of all things good. Even some things not so good, because you need those to balance everything out.

It's why our parents functioned so well together. Where mom had that indefinable essence of security and love, dad had a darker side. The cruelty and realities of life had taken their toll on him. He let them in, they changed him, defined who he was.

Mom could always block them out. Just like Sammy can.

I'm more like dad. I guess that's why we work so well together, why I never resented him like Sam did. Does.

I understand the hurts and pains in life. I wasn't blessed with the mom quality that Sam has. It's why me and my brother clash so much. It's why we make such a kick ass team, too.

We are our parent's children.

But where Sammy and dad fight for vengeance, I fight for something different.

They're driven my death. I'm driven by life.

It's where we differ, it's why I feel like I always have to protect my baby brother. Not just from things that go bump in the night, but from losing everything he has. The mind set he was blessed with, the one he can't even recognize.

Sam says I can be dark and moody, he sees in me something that he wants to save me from. I laugh at him when he tries, because he doesn't understand.

This isn't about me.

It's the Sammy's and the Mary's of the world that I fight to save.

So when Sam tells me he wants to go back to school when this is all over, he wants to throw in the towel and have normal life, I don't want to let go.

Sam's a constant reminder of why I risk my life everyday to fight the things we do. We balance each other out. I need him.

It scares me too though, because Sam's mom quality thing didn't disappear when Jessica died. It took me a few weeks to know for sure, but it didn't.

We met the reverend's daughter. Lori. And Sam told her his story. Used his heartache to make hers go away. That's when I knew that he still had the spirit of our mom alive inside of him. That's when I started breathing a little easier.

I told him we could stay in that little town. With Sam's new love interest. I didn't think through that offer before I made it. I didn't have time too. All I saw was Sam hurting over a girl again.

He said no, and on some level, I knew he would.

But the mom spark hung around after that gig. It wasn't as obvious as it had been the first eighteen years I lived with my brother, and probably the following four that I didn't, but it was still there.

What scares me, is that over time, hunting will squash it out entirely. That Sam will just end up bitter and cynical. Like dad.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain to Sam why I keep hunting. Even after we kill the ceiling monster, I'll keep hunting. I'll hunt until the day I die.

And I'm okay with that.

The Sam's and Mary's of the world were put here to remind the hunters of the world, what they're fighting for.

So when Sammy leaves, and I know someday he will, I'll miss him. I'll miss him a lot. More than I did when he went to Stanford, because back then I knew that someday he would come back.

Next time he leaves the hunt, it'll be for good. And he's my brother, and it'll hut like a bitch to see him go. But I know that's the way it has to be.

Hunting for vengeance will kill you.

Hunting for life...well so far, it's worked for me.

While I wait for Sammy's hunting days to be over, all I can really do is protect him. I have to keep him alive, so he can keep living. And I have to keep that mom quality alive in him, otherwise it's all for nothing.

Sam has something inside of him that I will never be able to comprehend completely. The mom quality that I fight to protect, but I know I wasn't blessed with.

I wasn't blessed with it. I was just blessed enough to have an understanding of it. I know it needs to be protected.

Sam asks me how I could want to spend the rest of my life hunting.

I just look at him and smile.

I can't explain it. I don't try to.

"I'll never stop hunting, little brother."

It's not about what was. It's about protecting what is, and what could be.

The mom quality of life.

Fin.

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A/N: Okay, this was my first ever attempt todissect Dean's character. Thoughts? Comments? Insults? Praises? Criticism? I'm a writer, I could think of a billion more synonyms. Insightful? Too deep? Too shallow? Dean-ish enough?

Ya better just review and let me know what you think.


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